I watched twilight eclipse, and grew a vagina.

Ok, since Ive been such an anti twilight guy, I decided to give Eclipse a chance, and now I feel free to destroy it with my words, because it sucked.

Eclipse is the most angst-ridden, humorless, overacted (poorly) and underwritten teenage suckfest I’ve seen in a long time. Basically, It makes me want to listen to Dashboard Confessional and chop off my dick.

Kristen Stewart (who plays main character Bella) is the female acting equivalent of Hugh Grant. Shes always lovingly pawing (and begging for sex) at the permanently pale, lipsticked and fish-puckered face of her vampire boyfriend Edward (easily the most effeminite and gay undead character in movie history). Bella, less whiny and brooding than usual, finally seems to have her own personality and opinions (But sadly no actress to convey them), and she finally appreciate parts of her life outside of Edward. This is not to say that the relationship is without its faults, its still necro-fucking-phelia with an unstable and abusive man.. err vampire. In an early scene, Edward disconnects some wires in Bella’s truck to keep her from leaving home to visit her friend because he says it’s part of his job to protect her. Anywhere else, this is a sign of an abusive relationship. In the eyes of novelist Stephenie Meyer, however, it’s called True Love.

For characters with such provocative complications, Bella and Edward are extraordinarily bland, especially channeled by way of Stewart and Pattinson's slurry, shit ass delivery and resistance to making eye contact. Stewart registers emotion mostly by looking as if she's just eaten a mouth full of monkey splooge.

The films real relationship isnt Bella and Edward, but Edward and Jacob, as their characters discuss their rivalry/love with good-natured guy talk. "Face it, I'm hotter than you," Jake says to Edward >>> If thats not extremely homo-erotic then I dont know what is.

The one decent action sequence is early on — a chase through the forest along a river bank, as Ron Howards daughter leaps back and forth between werewolf and vampire territory while being pursued by both... That tell us that ginger prejudice is rampant even in the undead world.

 ****Proof that edward is gay*****

Bella pleads for Edward to have sex with her, he drops to one knee
and with his best after-school-special voice, lectures her on the
virtues of chaste courting.

                   ****Proof that Edward is gay****

Teenagers suck ass. They think the whole universe revolves around their stupid little emo drama bullshit. And that’s all this movie is: teenage drama with a side of irrelevant supernatural bullshit thrown in.

Should I become a vampire? Should I not? Ohmygod! I am like, soooooo, unsure!

Bella is such a mental and emotional basket case, who the fuck would want her whiny ass anyway? It certainly wouldn’t be a vampire with 80 plus years of bedding high school girls under his belt. I mean, if you were perpetually 17, the only reason to be in high school would be to tear up as much jail bait cheerleader ass as possible, not to tie yourself down to an emotional cripple like Bella... I don’t know why I’m even bothering to question the whole idiotic premise… in reality, as soon as that Wolf kid took his shirt off, it would’ve been off to the bestiality races for Bella, and this self-indulgent film would’ve been over in a doggy-style induced cloud of wolf fur.