The Bible Says God Is A Mean Mother Fucker.

Picture this, you're 10 years old - you're a little fucker, getting into shenanigans, swearing, fighting, lighting cars on fire, just being all around cool as shit. You've spent the last few years in Catholic school and have just began to understand religion. You know there's ten rules to follow, pretty simple. You know God exists and you've been told he loves you and is all powerful. Fucking sweet!!! Like a grandma with supernatural abilities. Then one day, flipping through the bible, you spot this -

(6:7, 17) God is angry. He decides to destroy all humans, beasts, creeping things, fowls, and "all flesh wherein there is breath of life." He plans to drown them all.

Seems strange. Loving, caring, compassionate, forgiving, you've heard all these things about God - But a fucking murderer? Destroy all humans. What kind of sick joke is this? Someone must have altered you're bible, it's a joke bible. God is bunnies and love and candy. Just to be fair, you find a new bible (because everyone owns multiple bibles.) Sure enough, God still wants to destroy you. Scared, and confused, you read on.

(Nahum 1:2-8) The LORD is a jealous God, filled with vengeance and wrath. He takes revenge on all who oppose him and furiously destroys his enemies! The LORD is slow to get angry, but his power is great, and he never lets the guilty go unpunished. He displays his power in the whirlwind and the storm. The billowing clouds are the dust beneath his feet. At his command the oceans and rivers dry up, the lush pastures of Bashan and Carmel fade, and the green forests of Lebanon wilt. In his presence the mountains quake, and the hills melt away; the earth trembles, and its people are destroyed. Who can stand before his fierce anger? Who can survive his burning fury? His rage blazes forth like fire, and the mountains crumble to dust in his presence. The LORD is good. When trouble comes, he is a strong refuge. And he knows everyone who trusts in him. But he sweeps away his enemies in an overwhelming flood. He pursues his foes into the darkness of night.

If you live in Texas, and your favorite Aunt got carried away by a tornado, you're saying fuck God right about now. First he wants to destroy all life, and now hes the whirlwind that swallowed your aunt 6 weeks ago. "When trouble comes, he is a strong refuge. And he knows everyone who trusts in him. But he sweeps away his enemies in an overwhelming flood. He pursues his foes into the darkness of night." God is shelter from all problems, unless god has a problem with you, then he is going to kick your heathen ass.

(Deuteronomy 20:10-14) As you approach a town to attack it, first offer its people terms for peace. If they accept your terms and open the gates to you, then all the people inside will serve you in forced labor. But if they refuse to make peace and prepare to fight, you must attack the town. When the LORD your God hands it over to you, kill every man in the town. But you may keep for yourselves all the women, children, livestock, and other plunder. You may enjoy the spoils of your enemies that the LORD your God has given you.

Don't forget, God approves/encourages murder, rape, and slavery. Your fragile prepubescent mind is spinning. You begin to question the very fabric of your being. You ask yourself, Why is God such a dick? Why should I even believe in him?

(Luke 19:27) But those enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them - bring them here and kill them in front of me.

.. So if you do believe in him, and he gets pissed, you're fucked. If you don't believe in him, he gets pissed, you're fucked. You should probably just dedicate yourself to a life of evil, yeah, hell sucks, and the devil sucks, but at least you know where you stand with him. Just remember..

(II Kings 2:23-24) And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.

God can be a good friend to have. And bears are fucking awesome/terrifying.