course, is using the dictionary definition of "dead," toe tagged and body
bagged. The number one cause of death in America: heart disease.
Bacon has left its imprint on the many who have indulged in the meaty pleasure. It turns wimps into motherfucking superheroes and makes breakfast the best meal of the day! Everyone knows it, everyone loves it, and if you don't love bacon, I will wrap my fists in raw bacon and punch you in your nazi mouth. Bacon makes everything better. Never again will anyone be confused. Bacon has spoken! Amen.
1. pizza
2. cheeseburgers
3. LT's
4. Breakfast
5. sausage
6. boobies
7. Facebook
8. tofu
9. the slaughter of innocent pigs
10. kosher food
11. hospital food
12. breakfast at a greasy truck-stop diner.
13. Canada (French fires and gravy, eh? No. bacon!)
14. bacon double-cheeseburgers
15. Beef
16. ham
17. poultry
18. prison
19. choking to death on bacon
20. Lady gagas testicles
21. racism
22. pigs-in-blankets
23. potatoes
24. pasta
25. loneliness
26. the barely-suppressed memory of my drunk father making love to the Thanksgiving turkey
27. Ramadan
28. urination
29. the Bubonic plague
30. the breakup of Destiny's Child
31. Screechs sex video
32. Kobe Bryant's tattoo
33. rug burns
34. losing in Vegas
35. getting your privates caught in your zipper
36. Being a virgin
37. Comic book movies
38. Having a penis drawn on your face in sharpie (Free advertising, pay me bitch)
39. dogs
40. U2's music
41. gas prices
42. u2's music
43. ninja sneak attacks
44. u2's music
45. Bono (I really hate this douche)
46. paying for sex
47. having a small penis (Dont look at me)
48. 3 day acid trip
49. Coldplay's music
50. Lindsey Lohans crack abused face
51. urinal backsplash
52. asking a fat woman who isn't pregnant when she's due
53. Sunday mornings
54. POM juice
55. teabags
56. eggs
57. sandwiches
58. ketchup
59. Family guy
60. pancakes
61. this unusual growth on the left side of my face
62. writing a letter to your congressman
63. Taylor Swift
64. fruit
65. spelling bees
66. Kanye West (Is he still alive?)
67. This blog
68. the economy
69. the blogosphere
70. stepping in gum
71. masturbation
72. body of Christ
73. blood of Christ
74. Jackass
75. coming to terms with the cancellation of friends ("The one with the homos")
76. Angelina Jolie (Somewhere out there is a starving african baby)
77. the absence of bacon
78. shit hitting the fan
79. Hooters
80. football games
81. Stepping in crap
82. working with your hands
83. cultivating relationships
84. following the inexplicable continuation of LL Cool J's career
85. Ethan Suplees hygiene (Yeah, the fat asshole from Boy meets world and American History X)
86. Scientology ('Nuff said, silly rich folk)
87. beer
88. cocaine
89. heroin
90. hermaphrodites (Lady Gaga)
91. Kevin Smith movies
92. Pot
93. Self-hate
94. Affirmative action
95. Steven Tylers scrotum
96. Tyra Banks having not one, but two shows on television (Rumor is, she cant even read)
97. potty breaks
98. long distance running (For all the fatties)
99. Tv shows featuring celebrities and their family (Gary Busey is getting a show about his family and how he is as a father, hes a fucking psycho, case closed, dont pay his ass just for having a family, thats fucking retarded)
100. French Fries
101. shrinkage (I was in the pool!)
102. getting punched in the face
103. grammatical errors
104. YOUR MOM!
105. jelly donuts
106. YOUR FACE
107. Ashton Kutcher
108. Fishing
109. Fried dough
110. Cunnilingus
111. Ashton Kutchers twitter
112. Presidential elections
113. soup
114. diabetes
115. Finding out you're adopted
116. double cheeseburgers with onions and white American cheese
117. Bringing home the bacon
118. Kevin Costner films
119. Broadway musicals
120. Realizing you fed Gizmo bacon after midnight
121. Fast Food Restaurants
122. First dates
123. telethons
124. hurricanes
125. Bar Mitzvahs
126. Bat Mitzvahs
127. Mitzvahs
128. Nature Valley granola bars
129. deodorant
130. the tragic demise of Axl Rose
131. Sarah Jessica Parkers face
132. start of NBA season
133. 7th Grade History Class
134. tuna fish
135. Subway
136. blind dates
137. prunes
138. orangutans
139. jizz-mopping the fraternity house living room
140. Maxim
141. Paris Hilton's small boobies
142. Kevin Bacon
The the three things bacon does not make better?
1. Airplane food
2. Heart attacks
3. a devout jew's relationship with an angry, bacon-hating God
this is absolutely hilarious now that ive read all of them (except gagas testicles, because they dont exist). my favorite i think is finding out youre adopted :)
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