future news headlines.

Not in chronological order.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate in years, at 75 percent.

80 years later the US government finally pays off the debt from the Iraq war.

Florida to Be Readmitted to Union.

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen.

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were "Just For Fun."

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past to become the first 1/4 black, 1/4 asian, 1/4 white, 1/4 hispanic, jewish/muslim, foreign born, former prostitute, hermaphrodite United States President.

President "Bonecrusher" Jones to Face Chief Justice "Mad Dog" Ortega In Cage Match.

Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens in the superbowl.

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife.

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants.

Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders.

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow.

US soccer still sucks.

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Striper's Allegations.

Court Clears AOL-TimeWarner-PaG-GE-Disney-Cisco-Ford-Nabisco-Exxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges.

It Wasn't the Cigarettes - It Was the Ashtrays.