6 FML Moments, From The Bible.

1. Adam and Eve create pornography.

To start, let’s begin with the story about how Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, discovered how awesome it is to look at naked people... And how much it sucks when people look at you naked (IF you have a little dick, me, I love being naked.)

In the middle of the paradise God had created for them, only one tree was off-limits. They could eat any fruit they wanted, as long they stayed away from that one tree. Thanks to the dickish serpent, however, they said fuck it. As a result, they became aware of their own nakedness. Getting kicked out of Eden sucked dick, I'm sure, but still, for the first time, Adam noticed titties.

But think of how uncomfortable you would feel if, after having lived in absolute nakedness without any shame, you took a bite of contraband fruit and suddenly realized, "Shit, my dick is flopping around."

In addition to their new-found sense of shame, the prospect of facing God and explaining why they couldn’t follow one fucking rule must have been equally tough for the two.

The Internet still thanks them to this day.

2. One hundred foreskins. (1 Samuel 18)

Before the biblical James Dean, David, became Israel’s king, he had to put up with a dick named King Saul. King Saul was a dick, because he wanted to straight up murder David; But since Porsche had yet to be created, it was an awfully difficult task. When standard attempts wouldn't work, Saul was measurably pissed. One day he discovered that his daughter Michal was in love with David, and he had an idea. Dick collection. David was tasked with collecting 100 Philistine foreskins, to earn the right to marry Saul's daughter. Ok, the point was, the philistines, Israel's enemy, would kill the shit out of David as he attempted to round up their foreskin. If David wanted to marry Michal, he had to go slaughter a hundred enemy soldiers and bring back the proof, that's a suicide mission.

Think of it this way, just to have some sex, you must shave off 100 al qaeda beards, pretty fucking hard. And they only love their beards half as much as all men love their dicks.

When David and his men actually returned, foreskins in hand (gross), Saul was understandably shocked and had to hand over his daughter.

So the guy Saul hates most, just proved he was awesome, and as a reward, will now bang Saul's daughter for the rest of his life. Plus, not 100, but 200 guys lost their dick tips and probably their lives - that's 2 FML stories for the price of one.

3. Haman bows to Mordecai (Esther 6)

Haman was a high-ranking official in the court of the Persian King Xerxes. One day, a Jew, a random Jew, refused to give Haman a respectful bow. To repair his injured ego (Little penis), Haman wanted to convince King Xerxes to let him issue a decree that would legalize the extermination of all Jews in his kingdom. Crazy Bastard.

Unfortunately for Haman, the recently instated Queen Esther happened to be a Jew and that random Jew was Mordecai, Esther's cousin. Mordecai had previously been responsible for supplying information to Esther which exposed a plot against the king. Since Esther was able to put in a good word for Mordecai (In between king Bjs), the king decided to honor him.

Xerxes asked Haman for advice about how to honor a man who had pleased the king. Haman, assuming that he was the one to be honored, came up with an idea in terms of what he would have liked.. Unfortunately, Xerxes then ordered him to carry it all out for Mordecai. Fucking Mordecai!

Haman was forced to lead Mordecai, dressed in royal robes and mounted on a royal horse, through the city streets, announcing to everyone how great he was in the kings eyes.

4. God and his pal Abram (and Abrams former pal, foreskin.) (Genesis 17)

When the Lord appeared to the 99-year-old Abram, he laid out the ground rules for how the covenant between them would go down. In exchange for being the father of many nations and making his penis fertile again, Abram needed to fulfill his part for God. The "his part" got shitty when god told Abram to cut off part of his penis.

Now, if you're a guy and you live in America, you've probably been sniped yourself - And you don't remember it at all, thankfully. But, Id imagine Abram was probably pretty shocked/pissed at the sudden need to lose his foreskin, at fucking 100 years old.
#5. Lot Has Drunk (incest) Sex. (Genesis 19:30-36)

God turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt, for looking at the city she loved be destroyed, that's fucking harsh. Now if your day is going to get fucked up, you'd think your wife being obliterated would do it. It gets worse.

Lots daughters, convinced they would have to repopulate the earth, with their father, played a little game of lets rape dad (Milton home version available.)

They were so eager to secure some seamen that they supplied their father with copious amounts of wine, so much wine, that he had no idea he was fucking his own daughter. To show that they weren't half assing it, they got him drunk again and the other daughter had sex with him the next night.
How much wine do you have to drink before you became oblivious to the fact that you were having sex with your daughter?

#6. Jacob, Two Sisters, and Indentured Servitude. (Genesis 29: 21-28)

Once upon a time, a man named Jacob, took a job where he was going to be paid entirely in woman. His boss, Laban, promised his hot daughter Rachel in exchange for 7 years of work. After the 7 years, Laban promptly swapped in his ugly daughter, Leah, instead.

Of course, there is very little reason why Jacob wouldn't realize he had the wrong sister. Who knows, maybe they were serving some of Lot's date-rape wine at the party. Or Laban was a dick, and tossed a veil over his ugly daughters head.

The Torah tells us that Jacob and Rachel had expected Laban to perform the wife-swap and devised a secret signal to reveal that it was really her under the veil. (I guess he would be a dick if he just looked?)

However, in a last-minute display of womanly bitchiness, Rachel taught Leah the signal, fucking Jacob in every possible meaning of the word.

After waking up to the presumably hideous Leah, Jacob offered to work for another 7 years just to get Rachel. This teaches Christians today that the Rachel of Genesis was hotter than the Rachel of Friends. Leah, however, means "butter face."