Terrible Sex Advice Issue #1.

Sex on the beach.

Sex is awesome. The beach is equally awesome. Therefore, sex on the beach is fucking awesome! Wrong, so wrong.

Sex on the beach sounds hot and romantic, doesn't it? It's so great they even named a slightly effeminate drink after it. Then again, they also named a drink the Irish Car Bomb, so yeah. It's a popular scenario in the movies - you've seen it, the stars, the waves, the night sky, the love - it's beautiful. And it's a dirty lie, literally and figuratively - We'll get to that.

First, as anyone who has ever had sex at the beach can tell you, sand sucks dick (Not in a good way.) Anyone who has ever been to the beach at all can tell you how terrible it feels to have sand in your shoes. Multiply the feeling, and move it from your shoes to your vagina. Now how do you feel about sex on the beach?

And right now you're yelling, "What about blankets, towels, ponchos, I can keep my ass off of the sand itself." Sure, you can keep it at bay, enjoy the sex and deal with a little clean up later without too much discomfort, but the sand is getting to you. Do you know whats in that sand? Bacteria. And when it comes to bacteria, a little goes a long way. Beaches around the country get shut down due to high bacteria levels in the water. Research done by some really smart people (scientists) has shown that sand is collecting big, dirty loads of that bacteria. If you're sexing away, naked and sweaty, chances are some of this bacteria is finding its way in to your body.

And bacteria can seriously fuck your shit up. Especially if its E. Coli, oh wait, it totally is E. Coli that they're finding! - and it originates in feces.