Annoying Facebook Users.

So here at WWBS I have talked about Facebook a few times, and why not, it's infested everything from South Park to my fucking grandmothers computer. (Really Grams?)

If you're on the Internet, which you are by the way, you've probably got a profile on Facebook, enjoying the company of hundreds of friends who you know will never ask you to help them move. Like everybody else I have a handful of these "friends" that I'm not really friends with, I know them, but we're not friends, some of them I don't even like.

Unfortunately, now there's the people I realize I hate, because of Facebook. (Insane, I know, Facebook is an asshole.)

They are...

The Mother

What they say:

Annoying Mom: Sarah is turing 14 months old in a week and half, she's already turning into a bit of a princess.
Annoying Mom: Go to my profile to see the new pictures of all my babies.
Annoying Mom: Tony is 10 and starting 5th grade now. Little guy is in advanced reading, and wants to learn to play the piano. My baby boy is so amazing.
Annoying Mom: So excited. Had our 3rd child 6 hours ago. I'm so happy to be a mom.
Annoying Mom: I love them all to death. My kids are adorable.

What They Really Mean:

Annoying Mom: I have utilized my natural ability to breed. I'm going to enjoy living vicariously through my kids. I'm better than you.

The Ex Popular Girl who hasn't Moved On From High School

What They Say:

Ex Slutty Prom Queen: This is just an update about the reunion. I'm still waiting for a few people to get back to me.
Ex Slutty Prom Queen: Reunion committee president is harder than I thought it would be!
Ex Slutty Prom Queen: I've found a few more people from class and added them to the list!!!
Ex Slutty Prom Queen: Some of us who are still in the old neighbourhood will be hanging at the high school gym for a reunion get together. If you have moved, let me know when you can make it in to town.

What They Really Mean:

Ex Slutty Prom Queen: Remember how I was popular in high school? I'm better than you.

Unpopular Kid That Thinks He Moved On From High school.

What They Say:

Former Emo Pussy: I always kept to myself in High School. Except that time I played the Super Mario theme song on my guitar for the talent show.
Former Emo Pussy: Saw an old school mate, we couldn't stop talking about the time he let the chickens loose at junior prom. Too bad I brought my cousin as my date.
Former Emo Pussy >> Ex High school QB: Hey, It's so cool that I found you on Facebook. How have you been since High school? Yeah, I own my own company now. I met a girl in college pretty quickly, we've been together ever since. Things really picked up for me after high school. How are things going for you?
Former Emo Pussy: Former class mate interviewed with me at my company. He pulled my pants down in front of the cheerleaders once. I'm not bitter about that high school stuff anymore, but he didn't get the job. Hahaha.

What They Really Mean:

Former Emo Pussy: I was rejected in high school but I've found a place where I'm accepted. I'm better than you.

The EX

What They Say:

EX BF (Dumpee) >> EX GF (Dumper): How crazy is Facebook? I was just checking out the friends of all my old school friends and found you. I Hope you're having a wonderful life. I ended up leaving town for college. I finished college and am now doing very well for myself (better than I thought, actually). That's my wife in my picture. We're about to go to Paris. What are you up to these days? It would be great to hear from you.

EX GF (Dumpee) >> EX BF (Dumper): Hi!!! It's been so long since we talked. How have you been since Freshman year ended? Yeah, College was great once I became single. But, I put my partying days behind me now. I'm married to a successful lawyer. We're expecting our 4 child. My oldest has already begin composing his own music on the violin!!! Hope everything is going as well for you.

What They Really Mean:

EX BF (Dumpee): You rejected me but I recovered and became someone. I married a women so much prettier than you. I'm better than you.
EX GF (Dumpee): You rejected me but I recovered and became someone. I found and married a man way better than you. You have a tiny penis. I'm better than you.

Who Is This Facebook Game Playing Douche?

What They Say:
1 Message from some random douche bag that met you once 11 years ago.

Dear friend!

How great it is to find you here! Remember me? If not, hello. Yes, it says my hometown and current town are both in Texas. But I briefly lived nearby you in Boston. How have you been? Please join my farm, my vampire clan, my witch clan, my castle, my frontier, my restaurant, and all the other game requests I sent you.

Sincerely,
Random douche with no life.

What they really mean:

I have no life. I'm better than you.

The Almost-Fan Of Every Single Local Sports Team.

What they say:

Pink Hat: Watching the Red Sox beat the Blue Jays, go Big Papi and Ellsbury!!! I can't wait for SWEEEEET CAROLINE BAM BAM BAM!!! YANKEES SUCK!!
Pink Hat: Going to the Patriots game. Tom Brady is so cute!!! What does 3 and long mean?
Pink Hat: I'M AT THE CELTICS GAME. We're playing the Knicks I think. BEAT LA!!
Pink Hat: Ready for Bruins season. Who's on the team again?

What they really mean:

Pink Hat: I don't know whats going on, but I support my place of birth more than you do. I'm better than you.

The Traveller


What They say:

Traveller Douche: Just checked in to my awesome hotel here in Liverpool, now I'm going to kill time before the Premier League match.
Traveller Douche: Downing a few pints, IN ENGLAND!!!
Traveller Douche: My trip to Japan was awesome, but a soccer match in England, does it get any cooler?
Traveller Douche: here's a link to my new travel blog so you can see all the photos I'm going to take.
Traveller Douche: At the hotel, online, planning my next trip. I think I want to go back to Nepal. It's an amazing place. Have you been?

What They Really Mean:

Traveller Douche: Look at how many countries I've been to and all the fun I've had. I'm better than you.